Reprinted with permission:
Question:
ok larry. here's the moral/ethical dilemma.......
i'm a lesbian (are you already gonna shoot me?!?) that has an open relationship with my long-term partner.
I fell in love w/ a boy when i was 15. (uh, that was like, 18 years ago, btw) and after over a year together, my family moved away to another state.
The boy and i never got closure, never "broke up", just moved and kept living.
Well, thru the fabulous world of internet and email, we have found each other. and now, he wants to see me. he is married and his wife, who is "bi", sees other women, but no men. and he is "monogamous". i have no desire to spend the rest of my life w/ this man. and he really has no desire to do so w/ me.
We've talked about seeing each other by spending a weekend together or something like that...... and there is the potential for sexual intimacy.
In my relationship, it is not a problem (altho' i need to discuss w/ her the possibilities of relations w/ boys).
His wife would not know.
Whaddaya think?
Will i hate myself forever? or get over it after a week's time has passed and i've i had the weekend of my life, only to come back to my happy lesbian home?
If you feel that you cannot answer this question due to any bias or misunderstanding, please say so! But i'm interested in your answer!
Answer:
Ok, first let me say that I can answer the question without bias or misunderstanding. Since you're not asking me about whether being bi/lesbian/straight or whatever is right or wrong I won't address that. I'll address the question itself.
It would be catagorically wrong for you to get involved with this guy. Why? Becuase he's married. It doesn't matter what his wife's sexual proclivities are, presumably when they got married they made a covenenant to be faithful to each other. Whether one or both parties finds that convenant obstructive now at this point is irrelevant. If they choose to break the convenant then they can seek divorce.
Until that time, I would advise that you have NOTHING to do with him. Even if he's willing, it's still not right for him to get involved with you since he's married to someone else.
If you do choose to go forward with it you may or may not regret it later but that's not the issue. What are the unintended consequences. If he's monogomous why would you lure him in to a sexual relationship? You could be dragging HIM in to something he will regret for a long time.
Just because he's fine with his wife being bisexual doesn't mean his wife would be fine with him being with other women. You have to consider BOTH of them since they are married.
Question:
ok larry. here's the moral/ethical dilemma.......
i'm a lesbian (are you already gonna shoot me?!?) that has an open relationship with my long-term partner.
I fell in love w/ a boy when i was 15. (uh, that was like, 18 years ago, btw) and after over a year together, my family moved away to another state.
The boy and i never got closure, never "broke up", just moved and kept living.
Well, thru the fabulous world of internet and email, we have found each other. and now, he wants to see me. he is married and his wife, who is "bi", sees other women, but no men. and he is "monogamous". i have no desire to spend the rest of my life w/ this man. and he really has no desire to do so w/ me.
We've talked about seeing each other by spending a weekend together or something like that...... and there is the potential for sexual intimacy.
In my relationship, it is not a problem (altho' i need to discuss w/ her the possibilities of relations w/ boys).
His wife would not know.
Whaddaya think?
Will i hate myself forever? or get over it after a week's time has passed and i've i had the weekend of my life, only to come back to my happy lesbian home?
If you feel that you cannot answer this question due to any bias or misunderstanding, please say so! But i'm interested in your answer!
Answer:
Ok, first let me say that I can answer the question without bias or misunderstanding. Since you're not asking me about whether being bi/lesbian/straight or whatever is right or wrong I won't address that. I'll address the question itself.
It would be catagorically wrong for you to get involved with this guy. Why? Becuase he's married. It doesn't matter what his wife's sexual proclivities are, presumably when they got married they made a covenenant to be faithful to each other. Whether one or both parties finds that convenant obstructive now at this point is irrelevant. If they choose to break the convenant then they can seek divorce.
Until that time, I would advise that you have NOTHING to do with him. Even if he's willing, it's still not right for him to get involved with you since he's married to someone else.
If you do choose to go forward with it you may or may not regret it later but that's not the issue. What are the unintended consequences. If he's monogomous why would you lure him in to a sexual relationship? You could be dragging HIM in to something he will regret for a long time.
Just because he's fine with his wife being bisexual doesn't mean his wife would be fine with him being with other women. You have to consider BOTH of them since they are married.
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Re: Sexual Dilemma
Sat, March 27, 2004 - 11:56 PMFollow up question:
IF i am dragging him into something that he'll regret for a long time, isn't that HIS decision? Doesn't he have the right/strength to make that decision for himself?
And since i don't necessarily believe in all aspects of marriage,(in GENERAL, not only in this specific case) why would i have to consider both of them? Does marriage instantly equivocate a singular entity, instead of two distinct people who have chosen to spend their lives together? AND, one last thing... why do *i* have to be the "moral" one. It won't affect me, my love, my lover or my life on a daily basis, and tho' i care for him and have no malicious intent towards his wife, i believe that his marriage and our past (and possible future temporary) relationship are 2 entirely different entities that can subsist without harm to the other.
Answer:
It's like being an accessory to a crime. You're not forcing someone to commit a crime but you're helping him do it. Even though you don't believe in the sanctity of marriage it seems he does at least to some degree even if he is weak in his resolution to do so.
Why would you want to be a party to someone possibly wrecking his marriage? It would be very selfish of you to do that even if you don't think it's wrong that he does it. You already mentioned that his wife would not know. That alone makes it wrong. Would you want your partner to go behind your back on something that you don't approve of (related to sex or not)? Of course not. Part of being an ethical person is making sure you are not knowingly contributing to someone else's bad behavior. Don't help someone break a commitment no matter what it is. The only exception to that is if the commitment itself is faulty in someway (for example, if it's entered in to by the other party under false pretenses).
If you really do care for him, then you won't be selfish by helping him break his commitment to his wife. In the long run it harms both of you by making both of you untrustworthy. Afterall, if your partner knows you're willing to help someone else be dishonest, why should she trust you? If she doesn't care if you help someone else be dishonest, why should you trust her?
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Re: Sexual Dilemma
Wed, May 12, 2004 - 9:03 PM>Ok, first let me say that I can answer the question without bias or misunderstanding. Since you're not asking me about whether being bi/lesbian/straight or whatever is right or wrong I won't address that. I'll address the question itself.
Very well considered, Larry!
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Re: Sexual Dilemma
Fri, May 14, 2004 - 7:28 PMIf the wife is bi (and hot?) where is the dilemma - take them both to bed. Its the friendly thing to do. -
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Re: Sexual Dilemma
Sun, May 16, 2004 - 12:57 AMNot that I assume Larry would say that might be a good idea,
but it seems to me that just because something even might be a good idea, one can not assume that it will be.
These situations are always so much more complicated than they sound.... y'know?
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